jesus christ. it's april. specifically, the first of april. i guess i really am a fool for forgetting that today is april fools day.

i guess i pulled a trick without doing it deliberately. from 6 am today to 6 pm today, i just slept. if you know me well, you know that i have such a chronic insomnia problem, but when i do get to sleep, i would fall into it so deeply that it seems i'll sleep for a hundred years.

so for april fools, i played dead, when in fact, i'm just being the sleepaholic that i am. but i guess people here didn't really notice, nevertheless, didn't really care.

well, that was a nice way to greet the newly-hatched month. other than jesus christ gets to resurrect this month, i will also *cough cough* celebrate my birthday.

you guys, be sure to countdown to april 30 from now on. bwa har har.

everytime my upcoming birthday comes across my mind, i keep on hearing that the sound of music song, "i am sixteen, going on seventeen, lalalalalalaaaaah....". well, i am NOT sixteen going on seventeen, i am fifteen going on sixteen. oh my god... i'm sixteen and still i don't have a certain someone. hahaha... right, like i care.

i don't even care for that *ahem* special date anymore. which reminds me of a conversation i had with my foster mother a few days ago,

"oo nga pala, birthday mo nga pala sa april no? kailan nga ba yun?"
(oh yes, you're birthday is on april, right? when was it again?)
"30."
"ah, 30. are you going to celebrate?"
"wala namang magluluto."
(no one's going to cook anyway...)
"eh di mommy mo, siguro okay lang kung papupuntahin siya sa birthday mo."
(you're mom then ---- who you know is banned from the house right now ---- i guess it's okay if she comes on your birthday.)
"ugh, i don't feel like celebrating anyway."
"how old are you going to be anyway?"
"16."
"wow. sweet sixteen. you should celebrate."
"...why?"
"because you're sixteen! it's like, a pre-debut."
"hah. i'm not even sweet."
she laughs. "oh yes. you're SOUR sixteen."
i smile back. "not really. i'm more of, um, bittersweet sixteen."
"hah. so, who's going to come on you're birthday?"
"i don't know (and i don't quite care. nya ha ha). and i'm not celebrating."

well, that's the end of that.

since 6 pm yesterday, i haven't got any sleep. T_T. anyway, at dawn today i came about writing something.

blech. it's in sticky and gooey geocities but i'm not complaining. check it out here...

Coffee for your Thoughts?

okay, so here's a summary of it, which i'll try to make sense of despite the drowsy state i'm in:

Marie is a girl who had a bad experience with her uncle who eventually becomes a young modern philosopher who developed insomnia and a passion for thinking, and thinking, and thinking. at college, she realized that she was surrounded by coffee drinking people, of whom belonged to every walk of life, who claimed that it keeps them awake. marie, never believed in coffee even if she gets roughly three hours of sleep a day, and never believed in men after what her uncle had dont to her. she relies solely on her best friend Janie and also on her handy word processor where she processes her thoughts into something more visual. she keeps writing about life privately, stating the events that have happened post-that incident. she promises that if ever a man would be able to make her drink coffee, she would give her trust back to life and to men, and will believe in the effects of coffee. she didn't think those were possible, until she meets Brendan...

yeah, that's were i left it. i discovered that writing a story is so exhausting.

...or maybe it's because i wrote it at dawn, being sleepless and all?

presenting the new bringers of justice...



hehe. that's rights peoples. the bases are taken from tekken 3 characters and those dweebs are my friend kim and me respectively.

hehe. sorry i was bored and i was playing with photoshop again. XP and yes, i look ugly with blonde hair.

i'm going to the animax anime convention later on. alas, a con that takes place nearby. hehe... kitakits na lang. ^^

summer is a very cruel season. it's a season where skin cancer rate increases 40% and everybody is in a jollywolly mood. everybody but me of course. i'm ready to die anytime now. hehe.

what i hate most about it is that it's a season of unfulfilled hopes. summer gives me a lot of time to formulate ways to make a better me. probably a lot of you have gone through these famous last words: "ah... it's summer. i will finally have time to diet and exercise. i will finally have time to do that thing i've been dying to do (like finish my web task and get a domain finally). i will finally have time to hang out in the mall and live there if i wish because there's no schooooool. i will finally be able to be with my buddies and live as if we'll never die."

ah. then you find yourself on the next day, breaking all them hopes.

i don't really know the reason behind the shattering, but i am now chronically bored and i need help before i even attempt commiting suicide.

ANYWAY, took this here. there's a code but i didn't wanna use it. hehe... cool results.

Good lord! You are suffering from Jei's Lurgy.
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: excessive lack of reflection in mirrors, face blurring when photographed, occasional terror
Cure: prayer
freaky.

Textbook example. You are suffering from Julienne's Disease.
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: overeating, seizures, deafness, lust
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
my god, what accurate symptoms... must get into the freezer now!

Congratulations! You are suffering from Juju's Disease.
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: foot numbness, turning into a wolf, knee pain, occasional headaches
Cure: take two vitamin C tablets a day until it goes away
eek. must stay away from internet! now i know where all those creepy being-chased-by-wolves dreams came from.

hehe.

do you guys remember the forgery incident i got into a few months back? well, it should have cost me a D in conduct for the fourth quarter. obviously, it wouldn't be surprising if i got kind of nervous this morning, the day where the school distributes the report cards.

i got them by ten a.m., and my eyes widened when i saw the table where my fourth quarter conduct grade was placed - it was a freaking A!

i really don't know how that happened... but i'm so glad it did! though some paranormal force let my forging butt slip, i did, for months, regret the act. but this is too much... i am unworthy, god... so unworthy of this kindess!

other than happiness, i also felt relief. i could see the look on my foster parents face and especially my mother's face when they see that screaming D in my report card. i don't know how to explain or lie (or should i say, forge the truth?) to them if i did. i'm so so so so glad...

well, anyway, today is the day i felt happiest this summer. hehe. i found myself lounging and bopping my head in tune with acoustic sounds which sounded so fabulously better during "happy sunny days". hehe... especially when i got away from possible child disownment!

i did get a very low grade for technology and home economics though. i only got an 82! hehe... it's primarily because of computer class. shocking? ahhh... but i couldn't really care less.

i am now jumping up and down in the tune of naruto's 2nd opening song, HARUKA KANATA!

iki isoideeeeeh! shiboritotteeeeeh! motsureru ashi dakedo mae yori zutto sou tokue!
Hurry it up! Wring it out! Though my legs are all tangled, they will surely take me far...

okay. i guess that's enough joy i can tolerate. here's a quiz result which made me happy and proud too.

well, my internal antidepressants have gradually ceased to release all throughout my body. i am now back to the usual "bum" mode. hehe. that's why i can't really express myself today - there's nothing to express.

i did found it rather interesting that i woke up with the words "show, lie, mad, sexual... one sad sexually, two sad sexually" screaming inside my head in such melodious manner. after gaining a little more sense i realized that i had an LSS with dir en grey's mitsu to tsuba (translated as honey and saliva). nye-he-he. i knew i shouldn't have turned off the computer without listening to another song other than that yesterday.

out of a possible 88 singles dir en grey has (note an emphasis on the word "possible" and this includes remixes of some songs), i have proudly listened to 11 of them. hehe. 1/8 ain't that bad considering a fond addiction to their music grew in me. this even resulted to me wanting to have an mp3 player just to transfer deg songs from the computer so i could listen to them every waking hour of the day. hehe. not even l'arc~en~ciel had that effect on me.

but don't accuse me of infidelity to my husband, hyde , just yet. i do own cds (original copies, ehem ehem) of laruku since it's much easier to find them than dir en grey here in the philippines. ah, i remember my early days in a local cd store, music one greenbelt, wherein their world music section had the complete collection of l'arc~en~ciel albums screaming in front of my face. ray, neo universe, tierra... name any laruku album, it was there. of course, i couldn't possibly afford all of them so i wisely bought the clicked best thirteen which was their greatest singles album. now, when i go back there, not even one of their cds were left! when i go to the world section, all i see are some cheezy latin chillout lounge music. XP

it makes me want to cry. i and anyone in the deg community would agree that we were born in the wrong country. hehe.

all this fuss about japenese rock bands makes me sound so unpatriotic. that isn't true! i love filipino bands despite the total detest of my ex-love for them and the unfondness of my childhood "comrade" who i usually talk about music with.

in fact, i listen to them ever since my childhood in the early nineties. i'm even glad their making a comeback, from twisted halo, to six cycle mind, to rivermaya, to kitchie nadal and to bamboo. hehe. of course my liking for them wouldn't equal my love for jrock/visual kei bands or for incubus, but hey, i like them. and i support them.

one thing i noticed though about filipino bands is that they disband and "re-band" with other disbanded members. take the mongols for example. each member came from another band before, namely eli buendia (a personal favorite of mine) who came from an internationally loved band, the eraserheads.

i also read an article about an uprising "noypi" band named bamboo whose members, i found out, came from the bands rivermaya and the passage.

it makes me wonder how bands which seem to look strong and unbreakable become disbanded. is making music so much a stress for them? and hey, even the earlier mentioned bands, dir en grey and laruku, split with some members. the reason? varied, but it makes you realize that music doesn't just mean passion. it also means business.

on a lighter note, have you guys seen the new video of that american idol reject, william hung? you know, that chinese guy who sang and danced "she bangs" and received the infamous simon "you can't sing, you can't dance" remark? hehe. he's gonna be famous! i just feel sorry for the guy because i believe he has this big problem in life and i think he generally has no clue that all those superstar makers are making a fool out of the comic but vulnerable william hung.

and try listening to rammstein's leichenhalle. when you get to the third of the song, it will sound like the theme song for the gothic version of the teletubbies. hehe. i can just imagine hitler singing a lullabye.

hehe... this took me all night. nyahaha. downloading the video kasumi only took a while, comparing to capturing, editing and montage-ing these screenshots. nyahahaha. and who says computers enhance picture quality and speeds up the time of taking pictures?

anyway, to those who are ignorant of dir en grey (yes, there are those who don't know dir en grey, brainwashed fangirls), here they are in visual mode. i love hearing dir en grey songs, but seeing them tripled my adoration for them and their music. the video is cool, it's like ring zero slash dark water. but the video was so biased. three minutes were spent capturing kyo-san in all angles, and almost a minute to capture the extras and some objects (like the tarantula in the seventh frame). the other members took at least 28 seconds only! T_T oh well. you can download the video and other cool jrock dowloads here.

dear mr/ms/mrs. ghost (or ghost-san),

what's your name? you have been opening the bathroom door as i've noticed that everytime i enter the room the bathroom door is always opened even if there was no one else who enters the room, nor opens the bathroom and rudely leaves it open. perhaps you want me to give credit to your presence. hehe. you sure are, especially that time when it was totally humid and windless then the bathroom door opened by itself. in my face, you naughty ectoplasmic being you!

you probably don't want me to play any of those noisy dir en grey mp3s of mine because it is disrupting your peace. sorry, i can't really help it and even if you search the whole paranormal cosmos for the reason why i love them so. perhaps they're sending me subliminal messages like that lousy josie and the pussycats adaptation movie. besides, i don't complain about you leaving the door open all the time! though you have stopped doing that recently, i don't really know why.

you're probably appalled by that disgusting stench of cat poo surrounding the room now. jesus, i'm standing it all just to connect to the internet and listen to dir en grey. hehe.

but you know, ghost-san, you're probably making me notice you because you want me out. just want to tell you, ghost-san, that i would love to, and discover the tragedy of a world that's waiting outside, but i cannot. you see, i don't want to stay neither because i never really felt i belonged, but if i leave, where will i go?

i cannot leave, but i dread staying. it's like seeing my life waste away in front of my eyes. but i am too vulnerable to go outside the world, even to stay in a group like my cousins or my mother's new family, even in any barkada i may belong to. i never really felt important. and that's my bad. i wouldn't really feel that bad if i knew i wasn't important, but there's this feeling tingling inside which makes me feel as if i'm so - how can i say this right... - disposable.

so hate me not, ghost-san. we are probably in the same position. you might be sympathetic with me. you're also here, but we both know there's something out there which is better for you. but you cannot leave this place. and that's making you a miserable ghost.

i know you're there, and you know i'm here. i don't mean for you to stay, but if you want to go there's a certain jei you'll leave lonely. i finally found someone who understands, but he/she has to be supernatural and made of ectoplasm. nyehe. well, i can't beg you to never leave me, that would be unfair of me, but it would be sad if you left.

after all, we're both ghosts in a sense.

so, please bear with all that dir en grey. i'll try to play a more tolerable rock, like how i'm listening to incubus' talk shows on mute right now. hehe.

see you when i get to see ya.



ps. and if ever i get a webcam, please don't make yourself visible. hehe.

i feel so wasted, and i don't even drink alcohol. jesus, as far as i know, the most glasses of water i have drank lately are 3-4. no wonder.

i think my cells are on vacation. perhaps my brain went on hiatus. maybe my cardiovascular system is slowing down rapidly, making me ready for the long winter hibernation. then again, we don't have winter here in the philippines and despite me being sleepaholic, i don't think i can survive hibernating. but hell, that's how this whole lethargy feels anyway.

i have slept the whole day and this is the only time i went out of my room (to enter another room doing nevertheless a very productive activity named "blogging"). you know those days where you just wake up in the most cruel of weathers, without feeling any motivation to live? well, i've been like that lately, and there's no other cure for it but to close your eyes and drift to never never land.

but with the rate i'm going, i must have surpassed never never land and peter pan is but a mere atom in my perspective.

other than being a sloth, i have been very untidy lately. perhaps it because the governess is on vacation, or something. i mean, my bed has more blankets than i need, and there are clothes and hangers laying untouched (and unwashed) in different areas in my bed. eww.

things lie dormant, but some stuff get lost in that puny bed of mine. i remember it takes a minute for me to retrieve my ringing cellphone that's somewhere in my bed. i also find myself tangled with my earphones everytime i wake up, and it takes me a long time to untangle myself. hopefully i won't break my poor discman or my earphones.

my pillows smell like unshampooed hair and guess what, i also see strands of unshampooed hair in it. my t-shirt is stained with chocolate that came from all that pocky my cousin brought me from japan, which has become my only diet lately other than some seafood nissin cup noodles.

the tv stays open until 3 am.

this is the life, isn't it? *sniff* god, i need i new deodorant.

http://anticaffeine.friendtest.com

this is my third attempt.

take it or else.

my grandmother's spirit will turn into a succubus and give you graver torment than what the hera's fly did to io.

new layout. mwehehe. i couldn't help it. i have been itching on having a new layout. i just didn't get the inspirations per se. then yesterday i decided to get shiina ringo pictures, and when i saw the one above, a layout concept sprang right away. i didn't really get what i planned, but it's close enough.

usually when i make layouts, it happens like spontaneous combustion. no schedules, no music, no commands. just plain spontaniety [sic]. shiina ringo must be special. she was like a customer in a parlor, and i knew what could suit her just by looking. or something. whatever.

this layout was made for 5 and a half hours. my back aches. tankian, my plushie, is sitting on my head to forcefeed some inspiration to write a decent entry, but he is braindead as well. oh well.

shit. my birthday is only three days away. i am neither excited nor happy. in fact, i don't really feel anything. friday's just going to be like any other day - bland and useless.

i have been planning for months on how i could celebrate my birthday, and up to now i haven't got a clue on what i'll be doing. i don't want it to be special, but come on, i'm going to be 16 and i'll finally be in a "respectable" age for a teenager. or whatever.

let's check the available options, shall we?

pulp summer slam
hmm, this is the second time that the pulp summer slam event is going to be simultaenously held with my birthday. but i kind of lost the interest of body slamming and head banging with half naked, sweaty and smelly kanto-acting rakistas. hehe. but twisted halo's going to be there. and imago. and barbie's cradle. and rivermaya (? i think).

i remember two years ago, my godfather had tickets to that concert. that's cool, but you see, he's not the type who hangs out with rocker and metalloid types. in fact, his leisure time is mainly composed of listening to jazz music, barhopping and fine dining, which may explain why i doubted the fact that he had tickets to that show, and even had two extra tickets for me and my cousin. but i didn't go. i wasn't in the mood that time. according to some friends, i didn't miss much.

andrea bocelli live in manila
okay, so if i don't want to liven up my birthday with noise, why not with classical music? he's also performing here in manila on my birthday. yeah right. like i would go. i appreciate bach and mozart and all, but i'm not the type of person who falls off her feet when being swooned by josh groban or charlotte church. and besides, in order to get a decent seat, i have to pay Php15,000 for that. nevermind!

finally...
i guess i'll stay at home. and sleep. and watch tv. and probably surf. whatever.

dinner shall be catered by:
pizza hut and mcdonalds, of course. usually my mother cooks for my birthday, with her succulent lasagna and mouth watering paella. but you all know my mother is banned at this house so goodbye birthday food! we shall meet again!

if we're having cake, then we're having cake. i wasn't really fond of cakes anyway. i only eat the candy flowers and i never saw it as a necessity when having a birthday. and i'd rather have ice cream.

the cordially invited
i didn't really invite anyone, though people have asked me who would be coming and what were my plans. when people talk to me about my birthday i usually get cranky, so i replied, "whoever wants to come, then let him come. we'll talk about what we'll do on that day." a grunt follows afterwards.

death will probably the only one who's going to come. and he'll be late that day because he has theater workshop. my cousins will probably attend to, but they'd be late if so since the eldest has summer remedial classes. besides, they're not much of my favorite company anyway. spidergay, i don't know. i didn't tell him so he probably doesn't know it. besides, he's looking for a job and when he does find one, he'll live happily ever after and won't have much time to spend with me like he used to. i guess i should start getting used to it.

to those who want to come, here's the address: HELL.

so much for that. i guess i shouldn't get too excited so when something good will happen, i would naturally feel a surprising high. and i might even cry. or maybe not. hopefully i'll earn money on that day because i am in desperate need of it. and i'll turn sixteen. i guess that's a bonus already.

tch.

edit: friendtest is working again. take it!

ve been so motherly for two days now. last monday, i was awakened by these shrieking mews which i thought were just figments of my imagination. i found out that it wasn't when i heard my foster brother's, francis, voice.

then i saw this box in front of him, and inside was this very little kitten. it was probably a week old because it was stil walking so wobbly and its eyes were still shut. but it did have fur, randomly spotted with white, black and gold. i thought i would name it dust ball since it looks like one, but it was uncute and like i would really give my pets western names. so i named it shanghai because i had just finished reading shanghai baby that time.

anyway, the poor thing was abandoned by its mother and was left to fend for itself in the middle of the street. the neighbors spotted it and they weren't as fond of cats like we were. so they gave little shanghai to us.

like any baby, it was a severe pain in the ass. it would wake me up after every hour for me to feed it or put it to sleep. its so hard because it is in a very vulnerable position because at this time its own mother should be nursing it. it would keep me awake day and night, and even in my dreams it intruded. its cries are shrills, which makes it worse.

plus you can count on your foster brother to bring home a burden and not help you with it at all. men. even at a tender age, they're irresponsible fathers.

i did learn how to feed it properly, helped by both experience and instinct. i also learned not to fuss when i hear a mew because it could be a false alarm. i also learned i am not patient and responsible enough to be a mother, both now and in the future. if it weren't a cute kitten, i would have paid no attention to it.



i mentioned shanghai baby a while ago. i was compelled by that story because it displayed the ideal lovelife i wanted to have. coco, the main character, was a writer and is in love and is loved by tian tian, this privacy-loving artist. coco was a lover of beauty and life, making it a big inspiration to her work, while tian tian is this angst-driven, despair-filled drug dependent whose only hope left was coco. they also have this cat, fur ball, who's like their child. ah, what a setting. wish i could experience the love they experienced, only i wasn't much of a sex maniac and my lover won't die in the end.

haha. i'm 16. i'm going to watch school of rock later with my classmates because the cordially invited couldn't make it. that's okay. there's sunday.

anyway, you wouldn't normally associate death with birthdays, would you? well, i do... since shanghai, the little kitten, died yesterday. it just grew weaker and weaker that it broke my heart apart. that made me cry and made me feel frustrated. and it wasn't even such an issue.

for crucial, desperate and angst-driven (supposedly) situations, i feel nothing. i feel i'm perfectly normal but there's something wrong with me. make that defective. victor kasi! hehe.

anyway, here's a test from CB:


Which Rock Chick Are You?

i'll blog again later, or tomorrow, to tell you what happened in school of rock. whenever i feel like it. happy birthday, jei!