argh!! since eden got my idea of making a wishlist, then i shall also get her idea of recycling a layout. lol. actually i was planning on to even before she recycled her double helix monochromatic layout (i know her so well... yet she remains sooo vague... ahaha!)

so it has been half a month, hasn't it? well well well, i guess i admit the fault of recapping much of what life has brought upon me, ne...? ^_^ well, i guess i'll be using that headlining scheme again. ^_^ very handy in long, long, long long long long posts.

cs-sci
have i mentioned before that i got into my school's science quiz bowl? maybe, maybe not. well, i did. honestly, it was very easy. in fact, in the first round, me and my team mate, a freshman, were on the lead. on the moderate round, we tied the rest of the teams, except for team five which lead us all by at least 4 points, i think. then we got into the difficult round. aaaaah!!! we zoinked! all of them were operational, and me and my partner had no clue on what to do. lol.

the most frustrating part was the last question of the difficult round. we had to arrange the given events in the geological time scale. of course, my partner didn't really have an exact clue about it, but i did. in that one minute time span, i carefully arranged it all... i ended up with:

5-1-8-4-2-6-7-3

and you know what the correct answer was???

5-1-8-2-4-6-7-3.

maybe the comparison isn't that evident, let me show you again, my answer and the correct answer respectively.

5-1-8-4-2-6-7-3
5-1-8-2-4-6-7-3

aaaarghh!! we ended up in fourth, but if we got that right, we could've been third... T_T we were only two points away from the third placer, and that question was worth FIVE FUCKING POINTS. @____@!

oh well.

ju-on
hehe... we watched ju-on, you may have found out if you heard it from death or victor. hehe. also watched it with some other friends. actually, it was more, not really scary, rather, exciting than the ring, and has much more elements used which makes the paranoia very effective.

so was i paranoid the trembling night before that? ahaha... no... maybe because i have been through purgatory with sadako and the other ring cast, so i wasn't that surprised. but i gotta say, it was really surprising.... ^_^

so what makes horror movies create paranoia? i think i got the answer to that. hehe... its because they use elements which are found and are very much unnoticed in normal life. like ring's television, or mirror, or anything that makes reflections, and ju-on's closet, ceilings, windows, and beds... hehe.

long weekend
hehe... starting from now, i am free for four days. long, long weekend. hehe... actually, this is where augustinians benefit from other schools... we have no classes tomorrow because of some augustinian feast named cassassiacum. geez, it's so shameful that i don't even know what it's all about nor do i know the correct spelling. all i care about is that there's no school! huwhoopeee!!!

hehe... gotta think of something more. i'm gonna try writing an article about bishonenus-philia, bishophilia for short. hehe. i have been thinking of it since last night. it all began when bik lended me that furuba vcd collection. AAAAH!!! now i'm a bona fide shonen girl! well, maybe i really was, but i only realized it yesterday. lol.

till then. =D

(btw, the comment link can be found above, below the subject line.)

[start of letter]

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very manipulative little girl. I have sometimes murdered, and I have always helped my mommy’s “special friend” with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank checks this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring daddy’s testicles in a vise. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz-studded ass plug. For my little sister, please bring a subscription to Guns & Ammo. For my doggy, please bring a homeopathic heartworm remedy. Oh – and for my mail man, please bring some coupons.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants toilet paper, and front row tickets to Britney Spears – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the cookies I left out for you.

Breathlessly,

Jei

PS: Please say Merry Christmas to Mrs. Claus.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember my stepdad? He has been a really selfish dork all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put coal in their stocking. Thanks!

[/end of letter] =D

hehe!!! of course that's fake, silly. i made it here.i was surfing around chickenhead, and yeah, that place has got some really funny humor stuff. ^^ you better check out the rest of the site.

hehe... i think that's where the alien name also came from, ne?

btw, here's one of their banners...

=DDDD

edit: i just saw evanescence's my immortal video (which is cool). then later on, i saw christina aguilera's the voice within. hehe...i realized a myriad of similarities! both their videos are black and white, they cut off their usual tempo, and hey, costume? hair and make up? lying down almost everywhere? performing on the street? c'mon. they're like sister videos... i like both artists and their songs (well, not christina's songs, but they can be hooky..) and i don't mean to offend both their fans. hehe.

christina vs amy lee... that would be nice.

HAY NAKU!!! i am very very stressed. you see, my internet kept lagging and disconnecting, and lagging... and disconnecting. T_T... i thought i'd fire my modem with a revolver already.

but anywhoo... i have finished death's, aussy's and katrina's layouts today, although kat's isn't uploaded yet coz i don't have her password yet. =DDD i hope ya guys like the new layouts and hey, welcome aussy to the tabulas family! by the time i'm writing this, she hasn't probably posted yet... hehe... make her feel that tabulas RAWKS! hehe...

right now, i'm gonna take a bath, i think... to rub off the stress of my aggravated back... and hey, the stress will be rewarded tomorrow because we'll be going to tagaytay again!!! wee.... i need that cool breeze and 100 feet high landscape view....

ja!


As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

it could be because i slept last night at 04:00 am or so. you see, i've never really slept in class before, just drift away to a short nap already. but today, i slept in two subjects! ahaha...

i am still sleepy. but fuck.. i have to do this english play poster and study for a wrath-filled science long test. sigh.. i don't feel like exerting as much energy as i used to before. i just wanna dooooozzzeee off.

T_T... there are still two weeks to go before the holiday vacation. ugh. it will be the longest two weeks of my life.

anyway, i would like to thank the people who complimented my layout and the other layouts i've made. speaking of layouts, i have just uploadded katrina's layout. hehe. i hope she likes it even though it looks like her old simple plan layout. lol!

gotta go. i don't know if i'll sleep or study. maybe i won't do any of those. maybe i'll just stare at the ceiling as i have always been for the past few days. T_T

edit: i have noticed a lot of syntax errors in this post. lol. i don't feel like correcting my grammar. i feel so drugged. ahaha!

doi doi doi doi... i just added some pics of me. now you shall know how ugly i am...! kekekekeke....

anyway, seeing some blogs locating my tabulas made me realize how much i miss owning a blog... not a tabulas, though it feels as if it were the same thing.

i know, tabulas is a lot easier to use, plus it's very user-oriented and user-friendly, but i don't know. i don't feel like i'm working anymore. plus i can't extend my creativity to the limit because i have to think about the tables found here, and if it will or will not ruin the possible background or table formatting.

ah... i'm blogging shit again. but really, i really want a blog again. blogs are beautiful, under a beautiful personal domain name, layout is unlimited, and you kinda feel more recognized as a webdesigner/logger when you own one. kekeke...

i'm weird. and i want a blog again. i need a domain. lol.

i don't feel any signs of constructiveness or productivity coming at all. but i need it, and as sheep would say, "BA-A-A-A-A-A-D".

*sigh*. i have to paraphrase and shorten the act seven of shakuntala, and i have to be very considerate because it's gonna be acted out by my other group members as well. T_T... and we're gonna present it on thursday already! double T_T.

that's why i need all the productivity i need to make it work. but it's so long... it would take, i think, 45 minutes to act out an unmodified act, and there are seven of them! it's a good thing we're only doing the finale. =D

i have tomorrow, too... but i don't wanna waste the day just trying to cram up that script. that's why, even though i have slept until 2:00 pm today since my sleep last night, and i had only koko krunch (minus the milk), a hotshots cheeseburger and sprite for the whole day... i will... make it. hopefully.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! if only i was the energizer bunny. lol... i miss that pink little thing. it got replaced by the muscle electronic and positively charged battery. hehe... but i must say it does last for a looooong time.

okay. i'll just wait here... looking at my botique-light-bright lights on the ceiling, remembering a scene from "taken" or "e.t. the extraterrestrial" and wait for that moment of productivity. huhu... if i'm gonna work nights, i'll miss dumbo! waah!

and god, just one more week of school. AHAHAHAHAHA!

edit: took a test. =D man you gotta click the "see all possible results" button. kinda kinky pictures, but still very beautifully drawn.

someone got me into this. ehehe.



hehe... quite a lot, but please vote for me! my blog is INFINITI. hehe... that's gonna make my christmas.

godness. i have been waiting for you the whole day. hehe... i have the day all planned out, but you didn't come. hmm... i don't blame you. and i'm not mad. =D

anyway, rather than rot in oblivion, i decided to make something, ugh, productive. i made a new wallpaper. hehe. it's the tasuki wallpaper wekwekwek... tasuki... my first love. ngok ngok...

i don't like the wallpaper that much though. the background's okay, but it seems like tasuki was just pasted in the picture. hehe. oh well. it's in my desktop anyway.

i was supposed to make a christmas layout. nothing flows out of me. T_T... the days when i had a different layout every week are gone. *sigh*

btw, i have to do something about the strange internet sounds i'm making. (ngok? wekwekwek? kekeke???) @_@!

EDIT! read this. it's amusing. not really funny, but amusing. =D

first tetsu, now hiro? gawd... they are my most favorite cats... (ehehe... shallowness, but i love them more than their human counterparts.)

actually, hiro is not declared "dead" yet. you see, when i was walking home, there was this thing on the sidewalk that looked like a cat that was lying on its side. it turned out to be a rotten branch, but then suddenly i thought about hiro.

you see, tetsu died because he was run over by a car. the thought of hiro being trampled in the street was just too horrid for me! even if he is the thinnest of them all, he is the sweetest, and he knows me well. T_T. that's why i thought that if hiro would die, whether through the same way as tetsu did, i would really be distraught about it. hmm...

then when i came home, our driver told me that he saw "the cat with the long tail" in the next village near the church, and when they came back, hiro wasn't at home so they returned to get him, but he was no where to be found anymore! gawd, just when i had that terrible thought about fate and all.

he still hasn't come back.... T_T plus i have this motherfucking play tomorrow which i don't think my group members have memorized yet, adding to the fact i play such a dorky role, (forgive my irreverence, oh great kalidasa) and also i haven't bought gifts yet for the christmas party...

hiro... please come back. T_T sorry, i'm being like this over a cat. hey, if you got attached to something, let's say a couch, you would feel the same way. T_T

though this post is just hours from my previous post, i believe that it deserves to be a new entry... hehe... but i still hope you don't forget to read the "worried..." entry. it's about my cat. huhu... i love my cat.

speaking of my cat, hiro, the missing one, still has not returned!

i hate this... of all the cats?!

anyway, i have tried some tedious methods of consoling and amusing myself...

[edit]before you read on, take this VERY IMPORTANT NOTE:

NO OFFENSE MEANT. =D

[/edit]



hehe... you can't blame some japanese if they dress and put on cosmetics so excessively. it's their lifestyle. goth is dead... but then again, of course it is!

besides, they have the history of dressing so... kabuki? noh? you get the picture.

hehe... the japanese... a very colorful race. hehe! land of the crossdressing dolls!



sorry. i have no life.
[thanks to project x. mwah!]

oh my god... it feels so refreshing! i have bought all the gifts, and everything that worries me about this year is OVER. hehe. tomorrow would be the last day of my worries. =D and hopefully it's gonna be fun.

after spending more than half the day in school, i went to the mall to buy the gifts. hehe... i bought some cute stuff for my friends with a limit of at P100 (almost $2... hehe. i'm cheap.) but i had found some great stuff than expected. =D well, i actually decided if i would give them useful stuff or cute stuff. well, the latter won. hehe.

then i went to this stand where i buy my wristbands, studs, blah... hehe... i bought this naked crayon shin chan key chain and a wristband, which are both for my two friends, and another stud band for me!! hehe.. they gave me "tawad" even if i didn't ask to... then they hesitated... then they gave it again... hehe... i convince them with my sweetness. "eh... i always buy here!!" lol.

then i bought a skirt. actually, i was thinking of coming to school in a skirt, other than my uniform, of course. hehe... but nothing goes with it, so i'll just reserve that one for our family gathering.

also bought some converse chuck taylors. hehe! that's another one off my wishlist!!! hehe... they're not red nor pink though, hence, they're black and yellow. a lot were into the red and pinks anyway. =D plus they go well with my jeans. ^^

so tomorrow, i will not go as a shithole in skirt, i'll go as a frustrated punk rocker shithole. hehe!

dammit... i'm tired. the chuck taylors are still on my feet. they're so comfortable... hehe. i think i'll give it a name. i'll think about it later.

btw,
HIRO IS BACK!

that really made my day. right now, i'm gonna surf for a while and try to exit this world for a while... =D then come back and wrap some gifts.

advance ho ho ho, people. my gift, ok? =DD

ahaha... christmas party was over too soon...

aha... i was in this very minimalist get up, just this black blouse, jeans, chuck and taylor =D, and a jacket: the last one just to accessorize my very dull clothes. also, wristbands and studs of course! hehe... quite a few noticed, and they kept doing the rocker sign (,|..|) at me. hehe... oh well!

well, the party was okay. we had this really... well... boring sounds plus we didn't do anything but eat and talk with people who belonged to the same planet as we did. hehe...

the most fun part was taking pictures! we were all so mischievous... we even took pictures of our shoes. haha!

next was when me and victor where talking. we were like old wives discriminating some dirty biyatches. hehe... one classmate had this blouse with a very low neckline... victor couldn't keep his mouth shut and his eyes grew three more times. =DD

no fun stuff like games, but still, it was okay.

i really hope that my friends would appreciate the presents i gave them. i enjoyed their gifts for me (either displaying, wearing and eating them!). ehehe...

well, i got my friends some of these gifts:
1. cute stuff for the girls.
2. garmsen - the one who always made me laugh - i gave him a naked crayon shin-chan keychain! hehe... obviously he was amused with it.
3. pocholo - the wristband guy - what else? a wristband! i got the opposite of his fiery colored wristband and gave him cool blue.
4. victor - the all lunar one - dang... i only got him a picture frame. i hope he likes it. it cute naman eh!
5. conde - super mega metalhead - i got him this necklace which, let's put it this way, is very dismantled and pointy. he kept on saying, "pare, tigas, pare! kaya kita mahal eh!!" (dude, cool, dude! that's why i love you!!) hehe...

i feel loved. i had received lots of gifts. and this time, those whom i gave presents also had presents for me... aaah... i feel so accepted. it feels mushy and dorky, but it's nice. =D

edit: hehe... i was playing with adobe again.


hehe... it's a guy from d-sire. this is also something new to me - adding color to monochrome pics, i mean. and the eye shadow is just the bonus. hehe!

i have no idea if he is really like that. =D

my playlists has 74 songs... it can play up to 4 hours... man. la lang.

whew.. i was kinda pooped out to post some stuff yesterday. i tranferred my stuff from my old room which i share with my foster mom to the guestroom slash my bedroom. ahaha... my room is so dusty... and it has lots of space. my room still looks empty even if i have moved my stuff in... aaah... this room has so many closets and storage space. X|

anyway, yesterday after cleaning my room, i went with some people here to buy some barbeque somewhere a bit far from where i live. hehe... i love road trips that's why i join people ride around, even if i am the most useless among the group. hehe...

along the way, there was this major traffic [called holiday traffic... hehe] on the highway. in front of us was this truck with some aluminum bars inside, but the bars were exposed to the outside because the back of the truck was open. then, running in the middle of the traffic were some street kids, and they stole one of the aluminum bars! hehe... one of the men who were in the truck chased the scoundrels, but he failed in his haste.

i was naive and i asked what could be the use of a large stick of aluminum to children?

well, it turns out that they sell it, just to have rugby. in case you didn't know, rugby is this glue used in making furniture and the likes, but when inhaled, they can turn into some sort of drug. well, i don't blame them if they "sniff", since one of the effects of inhaling rugby would be the feeling of your hunger and thirst disappearing.

still, man, i just witnessed some cruel reality. what the hell are the people who are supposedly "running the country" doing? this has been a problem for ages!

well, anyway, going home, we came across this small business district, and one of the shops has one very familiar name: INFINITI... hahaha! and i was listening to the song yes yes show which really was as bouncy and funny as the coincidence. hehe... i didn't check what they were selling, but one thing's for sure...

the shop owner has a very good taste in naming. hehe...

i developed our class christmas party pictures yesterday. they were kinda dark and blurry because the film was of low quality... but that didn't matter, at least i had an excuse to go to the mall. ahehehe...

so yesterday i bought:
1. an album, of course, for the pictures.
2. rachel cohn's gingerbread... hehe... it's teeny, it reminds me of the all american rejects' swing swing video. =D
3. a perfect circle's thirteenth step cd
4. hoobastank's the reason cd.

ahaha... 3 and 4 made my day. the first cd was great for unwinding and packaging deep thoughts, but if i got bored of that i can switch to hoobastank... hehe... their new album seems like just an extension of their old album, but i'm not complaining. i loved their debut album anyway. ahaha!

btw, if you saw my wishlist, you would know that one of the items there is this book entitled "the art of doing nothing", right? well, i saw that it was still there in the psychology section, but it increased by P200 in price! it was only P600 something before (or at least $11+) now it's P800+ ($14+)! i know the equivalent to the dollar is low, but i don't have that much money. besides, i'm planning to use it in buying something really really nice. hehe.

that's why i got excited when my foster mom's friend, linda, is coming. she's from the states and she always seems to have pasalubong for me... hehe... first, i thought boots or new sneakers would be great, but i got kinda shy. haha! i only see her once a year... wouldn't that make me seem.. ugh... don't know the english counterpart but in filipino it's "makapal"...? ahehe... so i just said i'll ask for the book the art of doing nothing. =D

well... that ends this boring post. hehe... hope she gets that for me. now i have to make my foster parents an email address. =D you don't know the privileges of being the only one who knows how to use the computer in this house.

edit: click me./edit

before i cried last night, i remember i was just fooling around with my foster mother and one of our maids. then i just burst. they even thought that i was just kidding around... and that i should stop it. it took them a while to realize that those tears were, well, real.

there wasn't any apparent factor that would make me explode like that so suddenly. even i was wondering why i was crying and sulking. then my maid thought that it was her fault since she was such a grouch when i was playing around with her so she got me some water. i and my foster mom were left alone. she kept on telling me to stop, and that what i was crying about was of such lame reason.

"it's not that..." i said, choking from my tears.
"well, what's the matter then?" she asked.

well, when i was crying, i just suddenly remembered every pain and hurt i've gone through, since the time i could remember. and i was also hurt by what is happening with NOW, to me and to everybody...

so i replied, "...everything."

i don't know. i was confused. suddenly all of the memories which i want to forget streamed across my brain that time. i don't know what my problem was, or what problem was the emphasis of my sorrow. i just cried. i cried it all out.

from those days when i was a child: when i was just one of the unlucky girls who never seemed to have been away from discrimination and child's fool. when i had no permanent friends. when the days where i should remember as the most happiest was actually the most tragic phase of my life.

and i had to come home to a place where i didn't really belong. to this place where i had everything, but those who i lived with tried to take it away from me: my security, my innocence. you know who you are and you know what you did. you made my life miserable that up to now i'm still suffering the consequences.

then when the time came i needed my mother the most, that's when she abandons me... to marry that lower life form. fuck you all!! you thought i was okay since i had my foster parents and such a prosperous life with them... you stupid bitch. you're in the core of my misery. i swear everything would be okay if you were with me.

and all the other things, a whole lot more bad things, came with my tears last night. i just felt like releasing them all. i'm still not over them, but i have somehow released the pain in my chest.

that's why i hate angsty people. well, not really dislike the person him/herself, but the angst that they succumb to. i respect that their problems are of great depth, but it's really really dumb how they degenerate themselves and try to seek for help to some people who don't know a thing about them. no one can really help you but yourself.

i couldn't solve my problems, but i do not give in to them. that's why i always seem so happy and cheerful, and sometimes i act like a total retard, but that's only to hide the substance of my angst... because i don't want to succumb to it. i'll get over it, and i won't be plummeted to the abyss just because of that.

i never realized all this until i cried last night. i cried for only fifteen minutes or so but i have found out a great deal about myself, and how i am much stronger now, because after i had faced a fifteen year old tragedy....

i'm still here.

i really appreciate all the hugs and the teddy bears everyone sent me from my -release mode- in my previous post. =D

maybe i should accept that people will really not accept me NOT being happy. and cheerful. and... ugh... how do i say this... "nice". hehe. i'm like, the total opposite of this guy:


Kyou

Which Fruits Basket (Furuba) Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hehe... he's usually in flames but in truth, he's the shy, mellow type. only, he's cursed.

blech. i'm like the yang of this yin. hehe. i'm the person who you may see as sweet, laid-back, kinda quiet and secretive in a way. just hopefully pray you'll live to see another day when you're around in my dark mode.

hmm... we're always wearing mask. sometimes don't you just wish that we could just tear our faces off our head and show other people what we really are?

everytime i try to unmask, there's always someone reacting abnormally to it. maybe acceptance is a two-way process, you know... you need to accept yourself to be happy, but somehow, other people should accept that too, to attain that relief and bliss.

just like when you're dealing with homosexuality with a homophobic down-to-earth religiously-inclined family. ahaha.. what grandeur.

well, christmas is only two days away. i still have no gifts for people... assuming i have money. hehe... but i bet on that day, during our gathering, everyone would have these masks on their faces all ready... hiding their discontentment with issues of this side of the family, or that side of the family. even my family and my foster family.

whatever. i have chosen, though i have no choice at all to begin with, to know and see the truth behind your masks...

i have this certain trait which generally may be called as "empathy". strong. stronger than caffeine are my empathic powers. i know how sincere you may be, or what you feel... sometimes i dislike my "power" because it makes me distant from people, or makes me feel uncomfortable with them, or maybe even make me feel i'm not "good enough" for them.

sigh... no wonder i'm such a social tragedy. hehe... but i did not intend to stay in the confinement of what society deems normal anyway...

i just mask it out. happy-go-lucky juju, trying to defend my fiesty and dark-hearted jei.

and they say i don't try hard enough to make my life better. bah-humbug. =D

hell yeah. chad kroeger (of nickelback) cut his hair. heehee... there goes my haunting nightmares of jesus christ playing an electric guitar.

anyway, i have bought gifts for my family and family friends today. hmm... i have noticed that the malls aren't as jam-packed anymore as they used to be. a lot of people are running out of money. well, other than that, probably half the populace has turned into scrooges.

it's so hard to feel the christmas spirit if money nowadays is like water. you just had a hold of it and before you realize it, it's gone from your hands already.

my materialistic megalomaniac schizophrenic godfather said, "no, the spirit of christmas is still here... because christmas is supposed to be spiritual. if you're only for the materialism, you really won't feel it."

lol. you're the one to talk. look who's talking. *hands over a mirror*

anyway, i promise my friends here in tabulas i will give them a gift tomorrow. =DDD

merry christmas in advance!

this year's christmas has got to be the lousiest, hope-draining, mind-wrecking and flabbergasting christmas ever.

let's look at the factors, shall we?

1. i had a little exchange gift with my godfather (who is also the son of my foster parents). we exchanged our components. ugh. i have now the lousiest junk of a component. motherfucker.
2. only two people gave me presents. really now. plus only 2 people also gave money. this may make me sound materialistic but knowing them before, they used to be very generous.
3. it was so boring. you could feel more life in a funeral.
4. my mom is off-limits to my foster parents house. long and shameful story.
5. brother death didn't even arrive. this must got to be the first christmas i didn't spent time with him.
6. i have no more room anymore. my godfather kept on complaining about how some people might use the computer here and blah blah.. so my foster mom got angry and just told me to go back to her room. jesus christ. was it only 2 or 3 days ago when i moved my stuff in? now i have to move my stuff back. MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

i felt so pissed off with EVERYTHING!! last night i was ranting, "hay naku... mabuti pang tinulog ko na lang tong araw na 'to, sumaya pa ako!" (geez, it would've been better if i just slept the whole day, i might have been happier!). my foster mom knows that i have been troubled by some problems occuring to all of us (i have posted about that night when i just cried it all out before, remember?) so she was trying to cheer me up by pulling my blanket away from me and told me to not to sleep yet and have a little chat because she wasn't sleepy yet.

i wanted to, but i couldn't. and also, there were times when i wanted to talk to you so much, but you weren't even paying attention. i just turned on the tv and put it in disney channel for her to watch america's funniest home videos and suggested, "here, why don't you just watch tv?" and then i turned away and pretended to sleep.

i may have been cold to her, but my emotions are strangling me. until now. though i pretended to be asleep by 1 am, i slept on 3 am last night. i got up at 4 pm today, and i haven't eaten (and have got no intention to) yet.

so yeah. i just wanted to release. if i didn't have that knack to blog, i would've slept until the day classes resumed.

later.

note: couldn't connect yesterday, so this was supposed to be yesterday's note...

ugh! i really really really really and i mean REALLY hate my mother!!!

oh yeah, if ever i'm going to start like one of those messed up teens who always rant about mommy, i'm sorry. there are no other job offers at the moment.

it all started yesterday night while i was indulging in my kfc, the only meal i had on that day...

you see, ever since christmas, i have been messed up... if you read my posts, it's much graver than you think. i really don't give a fuck about anything and just sleep my ass off and yeah, i ate that kfc like a dawg. then my mom called me.

of course, i was not in the mood into talking to anybody (especially her) because of the lousy events that have happened in my life recently, so i was kinda cold and grouchy with her when she wanted to see me, blah blah. plus, i wasn't available in any of the days she wanted to see me, specifically today and tomorrow.

when i finally agreed because of her childish persistence, i told her that we should just meet in glorietta and she shouldn't come here yet since the issue between her and my foster family are still hot.

she took that deeply and she screamed, "ang yabang yabang nyo!" (you people are so pompous!) and then she hang up.

i called her again and apologized but she didn't reply and she hung up the phone again. that worm... of course i took that deeply as well, because she shouldn't pour upon me the GUILT of her past mistakes.

good thing spidergay was there last night (yeah, the sexual transformation dude) and comforted me while i was spitting of curses at my distaste to my mom.

so my maid called my mom again and convinced that we talk. i acted like a robot ever since. so we finally agreed that we meet up today.

so we did. i ditched my day with death for a meaningless talk with her. she took me and the maid (her reporter and fellow legionnaire.. what dopes) to this restaurant and there she blabbered about shit, speaking in our certain dialect. she was telling me her problem... which i accepted, but later on, she was telling me something like "you think because blah blah blah blah, i don't blah blah blah blah".

HELLO? how stupid can you get? don't figure out my problems because obviously you don't know a thing about them! what you were saying was crap because they are just sick DELUSIONS caused by your subconcious GUILT which you actually THOUGHT would have an effect on me! come on!

you should THANK GOD that i still had the nerve not to laugh at your melodramatic ass as you try to kiss and make up with someone you don't even understand... then you tell me i should understand YOU?? why, in your previous decision-makings, did you consider that I was one of the factors you should analyze about?!

two things that really ticked me off:
1. she told me that i was i shouldn't think that she was happy that i am here in my fosters. and i shouldn't think that she doesn't do the things she should have done because mainly she didn't want me to be affected by her issues.
HELL-O? so my state presently shows i'm UNAFFECTED? you bitch.

2. she always repeats, "why, don't you want to see me again?"
umm,, yeah. i don't. man, i wish you would just DISAPPEAR from my LIFE. you should be thankful that i inherited your ability to lie and replied, "no."

this really pisses me off. she really pisses me off. for the first time in my life, i really wish she was dead. so she should free me from this pain... ugh. i'm envious of ring's sadako and her ability to will death upon others.

i really really hate you. go to hell. if you wanted to be with me so much, then why did you leave me in the first place?

don't be as stupid as i thought you would be.

just two more days and goodbye, ramster... hehe...

everything was so complicated. but i've had enough of that this year. there were lots of happy times, i must say, but a lot of unbearable things have happened within the expiring year.

and i decided, i wanna let go of all that. i just can't bear it.

so before i had a sleepover in my mom's house, i wrote her a letter. actually, the day before i had already taken into thought whether i would write to her a letter or not. i have been hesitating the whole day, but on the 29th's 3 am, i finally decided i will. suddenly, i just found myself absorbed in writing everything (at least) i wanted to tell her. it took me 4 whopping pages. hehe.

somehow, all of the heavy feelings that have been present in me since christmas eve was somehow lightened up. i feel, i don't know, it's like relief but not as good as that. it feels like i've got half the world off my shoulders.

but the problem isn't over. my self problem well, that's kinda through, since before we left the house, i gave her the letter already. the problem will end if the people around me would make their own amends.

as for me, i don't want to involve myself with anyone's problems anymore. i can help out, but i don't want to be a part of it.

sigh... i don't take back all the things i've said about my mom before. i still kinda feel that way. but i've had enough of that and it seems that two days from now, i will desperately try to reinvent a new me (hmm... famous last words?).

don't worry. i'll still be the sarcastic, cynical and psychotic jei you know off. hell, if i'll change, i'll probably be an alien and the cia wil go after me. XD. the only thing different is that i will try to bear less hatred and depression, because they are just plain complicated partners in crime.

well, till then, happy new year!

my mom just called me... and boy was i nervous when she did. she told me she couldn't sleep.

when i asked why, she told me it was because of my letter.

whew! she also added that she wasn't sad nor mad, instead, she actually snapped out of it! she kept thinking about what i've said in the letter and she was assured that i understood everything that was going on, and that i'm not a kid anymore... blah blah. in fact, she's glad to hear what i've said, because we were the same in the sense that we don't really talk about things, except for now.

so tomorrow, i'm gonna meet her again and she told me we'll talk things out. i hope that this all works for the better...

^_^ good night people. expect a new layout soon to greet 2004!

hehe... i am an hour and 30 minutes late but happy new year anyway!

what more to welcome a festive new year with a brand new layout? hehe... at last, i finally made a new one!

funny, it's like aussy's, katrina's and death's layouts rolled into one! lol. well, i DID make their layouts.. 9_9.

something missing... eh? hmm... what could that be. oh yes. the tagboard. i removed it because it messed up my tables and i have no idea where to put it. oh well. spank my perfectionist ass.

about my mom, well, we finally talked and she explained tons of things to me... hopefully she was telling the truth. but anyway, we called it a truce, though it was easy since she affected me... shall we put it... "indirectly". so i told her that for us to be at full peace, she has some resolutions to achieve and that is to reconcile with those who hurt her and also to those who she hurt herself.

then i finally got to see death again!! hehe... he has this cool squall lionheart pendant. he's now in tagaytay, with his family. hopes he has fun even if none of his companions will be celebrating with him. it's cold in tagaytay anyway and i think he'll like that! hehe... *kampaii*!

well, i have 365 days ahead of me. hope all that jiggling coins will make my feeellltttteee rich and all that jumping up and down like lunatics make me grow at least three inches this year. bwahaha...