after two days of extending my internet line account, i got disconnected for overuse again. dammit... i bought myself for the first time an internet card... haha... i feel so void without the internet, and it's both lame and crazy...

such as these:

what can i do? i was internet-deprived, leaving me with utter boredom and hehe... ayumi's so cute, it's fun to play with her face.

anyway, death left for hong kong last sunday morning... dang. it's a lonely halloween for me. TT... death was ranting some days before about her family forcing her to go to hongkong during the sembreak. i thought that was over, since we haven't really been communicating recently. anyway, this is the exact (or at least exact) conversation we had last sunday:

me, 7:somethingam: ei, do you know a girl named judith who knows a girl named hope?
death, 7:somethingam: yeah, why?
me: oh, because she's a friend of mine in friendster. i don't know her yet, but i made her a friend anyway. i just checked out her profile yesterday. i saw your some [school here] people there. ^^
death: sou ka. this is one big mistake! i don't want to go to hong kong!!
me: whaat?! you're still going to hong kong!!?? waaaah! why??
death: yeah (something about "nichan")...
me: dang... when are you leaving for HK?
death: i'm by the plane now... so yeah. email me. ja

it was surprising for me cause i was texting death while he was in the airport ALREADY and i had no clue! i didn't even have a chance to give more consolation on the "unwanted" trip to hong kong. damn...

oh well, it's going to be a boring halloween without death, i supposed. i remember last year, we we're like "hey...! someone dressed like a car!" (as a car passed by), and "look! someone dressed up as my neighbor!" (as my neighbor went out of his house)... hehe... cheap and shallow fun, but it made my halloween nice just being with death... other than watching maganda gabi, bayan's (good evening, nation) halloween episode which tends to always freak me out and leave me with paranoia the whole night. ^^ now, he's at hong kong... shopping i suppose. sigh. it's not as if he wanted to. WAH!

btw, i have noticed that my posts have been rather shallower and meaningless than usual. and it's such a drag because it seems that i have lost another reason for my fucking existence, if ever there was one to begin with...

in filipino class, we are currently taking up this narrative poem entitled Florante at Laura (Florante and Laura), which is generally a chivalrous love story. the main antagonist there, named adolfo, is some big ass for a human being in short. but when florante and adolfo's past were mentioned, i realized that somehow that i could relate to adolfo, in many ways that it's scary.

1.) he is a very jealous person - i mean, jealousy's what drives him to revenge.
2.) he is enigmatically quiet - lol... if you don't know me that well, you would think that.
3.) doesn't really have that much friends, despite his higher status quo - well, i have friends, but i don't think they understand me that well too.
4.) he does well in class - well, yeah... i AM top ten of the batch.
5.) he's arrogant - doi. look at the last sentence of #4.
6.) he doesn't retaliate when picked on - i am one of the most teased people in class, and i don't retaliate... well, i sometimes do, but more often than not, i don't.

but i think most of all, we both have that dark anger and misery hidden within ourselves. of course, adolfo has released that already when he tried to murder his all-time rival in a play... but i haven't yet. the thing is, people think of us as okay, swell, all right. but that, my friends, is far from what i really am in. not even my closest friends know that.

thoughts of murder, incest, homosexuality, lust, greed, envy, anger, suicide and countless more sins have run acrossed my head. but no one would really understand and know that. i may say what i say, said what i said, and will say what i will say. but what i think, no one will ever know. my angst, insecurity and emptiness are a lot more than what you may think and what i could swallow.

and if i seem all right, i'm not. i never am. i never WAS. try growing up in an abnormal family background and poignant and violent childhood memories.

"you're lucky, you have this, you have that, you have a healthy body, good education..." well, i'm tired of that shit. just because i'm not physically incapable doesn't mean that i don't feel pain. and i have this thing you call "dangerous pain". it's just like storing all your energy during a hundred blows just to clobber your enemy with one blow.

for those who make me angry... i may just seem quiet, talk back a little bit, but you don't know that already i am plotting how to murder you.

oh well... teen angst. don't you just love it?